Perhaps Love....

Yesterday, i took the initiative to start talking with Z again. Asking some silly questions on job. How do you do? How's life? getting any job offer again? So silly and made me feels like laughing when think back about it. Well, i know its lame but i really hope that we still can be friend, despite what ever things that he did to me. Peaceful morning makes me think better, because i am more rational and think logically. Sometimes our heart just don't think the same. Haha! 

Back to the main point, I think i have let go of him? totally? I am 70% certain that i have no longer sad nor heart pain on what he do. But not so sure bout the remaining 30% on when i will start go crazy again. Hopefully I wont do that forever!!

I thought of something silly again. "What if he bring his gf in front of me and they are very intimate to each other?" Seriously i don't have any idea on what I will do but i think i am OK gua.....

Anyway, both parties has their fault and the cause that makes us break up is not all just about him. I also have the responsibilities. Maybe i am not generous enough and don't know how to handle the situation well when my bf start going out more frequent with his friends than me. Or maybe we are just not love each other deep enough that can make us sacrifice for each other. I don't but I am willing to.. But i know 100% he wont do so to me..hahaha!! Who am i? Someone who don't know how to dress up and in terms of pretty and young. I lose all to his new gf, Jo. She is really pretty and cute lo...Have to admit it. If i am a guy, I would also do the same. That the reality side of the world. Just hope that Z will grown up abit, don't be so childish again, think bout his future and don't hurt girls anymore. I do believe in Karma...hahaha!!(sounds like cursing..shall stop it)

I learnt the same thing in corporate world as well. If you are not good enough, no one would see you as a person. But if you excel in something, suddenly you felt you are surrounded by loves and cares. ( kononnya..)

So be aware of everything and everyone who treat you good. Maybe they don't mean it seriously. I get a very good experience from my ex boss, who will just kick you off and used you as a tool to sabotage other. Besides that, I have also learnt it from my ex, where guys really can say I LOVE YOU to you and they don't mean it at all. Ish ish...

When Abnormalities Come

It's a nice morning and I still wake up early today, helping my mum doing some house core. The feeling is weird because my feeling isn't sad anymore instead, i felt guilty. I am guilty for making my parents worry about me, guilty for being sad for someone who no longer loves me and guilty for making the people surrounding me worry.

Yesterday, i had a good chat with J, happily waking him up and greet him. And i can feel that he is happy too. J requested whether can i treat him that well until the day we are old, no longer have teeth and use tongkat to walk. At that moment, i am really doubting myself. Am i really cured? Am i love him? Can I totally forget bout Z and letting go everything? To be frank, i don't believe in an ever after relationship anymore.

Too many things happened and i had been hurt for N-less times. and now, i can no longer sustain any hurt or damages because i can't feel my own self anymore. No worries, I won't go and commit suicide right now although i do think of it before. The feeling is like when your heart has been stabbed for so many times and you felt the pain everything its strike, then eventually, you stopped your breathing and die. No more blood and pain. Because it already over the limit. I wonder what we will feel when we are die. And now i felt it, I am justt like a walking corpse now.A body without a soul. No longer feel affectionate, love, care, sad, or excited. Just a peaceful monotone emotion.

I feel myself changing as well. Started to get serious and smile lesser. And one more big change is that i started to love going to temple and pray. The serene yet beautiful environment, the clear and peaceful sound of bell, the natural voice of chirping birds gave me a very comfortable feeling. Maybe, i started to have the potential to become a nun. Hahaha!! Kidding man..I can't never be that holy..

Anyway, I am going to stop my post here, I am happy with my own self again..^^

*Thank you mummy and daddy for your love. Thank you my siblings for their cuteness and silliness. Thank you my friends especially SP, HC,SN,WM, R, SH for being supportive. Thank you Y and P for your love. I believe that you two do really love me a lot. Sorry for the disappointment.

And lastly, thank you J for being by my side when i was down and hurt, thank you for your encouragement and support.

*BIG HUGS TO EVERYONE*

It's Okay

This song is specially dedicated to to Z, saying all my inner feeling to him...Sorry for everything that i have done, everything that makes you made such a decision, to leave me for a better you. Sorry and thank you...

Dilemma

What the hell i am thinking? I am still getting awake in shock, on a nice early morning. I had been thinking a lot since the past few months,thinking what things I could do in order to maintain and save back my relationship with him. I don't know what will be the consequences if i really do that. Perhaps i would get hurt once again when he don't have feeling with me again, or i will be ended up in a miserable life, waiting and hoping for him to come back every night. But still, I have the urge to try it again. Aiks...stupid me.. I should be glad now, ending a worst relationship as mentioned by all my friends and family. 

However, there is one soh lou, J keeps teaching me and encourage me to go after what i want and keep supporting me to go after him. He thought that i would be happy if I back together with him. How silly he was. The moment he said that words, I can felt that he is not happy at all,although he keep on smiling with me, pretending that he is happy. Well, what he said is right. I just can't let go and hoping that someday, something would turns better and i will be happy back like last time. But i just can't figure out why a guy would ask the girl to go after her ex even though he likes her. He accompany her when she is sad, lend the shoulder for the girl when she cried and do so many stupid things to cheer her up, although he knows that deep down in the girl's heart, she is still loving her ex. Stupid J even used my handphone to sms my ex, asking my ex whether he still likes me anot and is there any possibilities that we getting back. OMG!!! So stupid and my reputation get tarnished. I know he was just trying to help me.

After so many things happened, I get myself a conclusion for the power of love. Loves can really blinded up people and makes people do something that they won't do it usually. Girl still love her ex even though her ex lied to her, cheated her and started a new relationship with another girl. and the guy who knows that the girl might be leaving him someday, but still, he still go after the girl, doing all those silly things just to make the girl happy. What is happening? I really hope that everyone would appreciate what they have now and couples will be happily ever after. And specially dedicated to J;

Thank you so much for your love, J. *Hugs*

The week 12

Today is already the week 12 I have been separated with him, and again, I still missing him, thinking back the old memories that we had and the moment we have been together. I still remember the moment how well and how happy we have been together, despite all the bad things happening to us. On 1^st of oct, it is our 4^th year anniversary. Last time, even there isn’t much celebration, and yet, we are still happy together, outing and caring for each other. But its different all now, he already mentioned that he doesn’t loves me anymore and I can feel it even before we break up. Just I keep on denying it and hoping for the day he would come back to my side.

My heart sank when he said that he doesn't love me anymore and just saying I love you because he want to comfort me, doesn't want to see me sad. The words uttered is just like a thousand spears spearing into my heart. Another news I got is that he is already coupled with a girl, but according to him, he is just merely playing. Well, i know that he lied to me again. I don't know which words of him is true and which words of him is right. But i think that doesn't makes any differences anymore. The thing i am sure of is that he already forget about me. There is no longer love nor affectionate from him. I shall start to forget him slowly.....slowly....